Faith and Love

In the past 4 months I have experienced both conditional and unconditional love. And I must admit, I wasn't expecting either. But the pain of the conditional love has changed the way I look at life. The pain of knowing that what I do or what I have done changes the love that people have for me has changed my heart more than I could have ever dreamed. It also has made me even more grateful for the ones that have offered unconditional love and even more grateful for a God who only has one type of love; unconditional.

When I cry, I cry to God. When I laugh I praise God for giving me something to laugh about. My heart is in the process of being filled with Christ. Its not there yet and I continue to mess up but God still hasn't given up on me. He keeps blessing me and reminding me of his love for me and for his people. Everyday I pray for God to make my heart more like his and everyday he teaches me and molds my heart. His love is one that I will never stop seeking. His love is the only reason I live. Without his love and his grace there is no chance that I would have lived to see my 21st birthday.

No, my love is not unconditional to everyone but I can say that its getting there. God softens my heart more and more everyday. God is capable of so much. He has worked in ways that I in the past I never thought possible. A few months ago I was asking God to do a lot of things in my life but in the back of my head I knew that it would never happen. One day I was reading the bible and ran across Mark 11. Jesus cursed a fig tree and later after they passed the tree again it had withered. Peter was shocked and to his shock Jesus answered and told him to have faith in God. verses 23-24-" Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, Be taken up and thrown into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart, but believes what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore i tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours." Those verses have changed my heart forever. Who am I to believe that God is not capable of taking away every bit of pain? When I doubt God I put myself above him. So I started writing the Greek word for believe or faith on my wrist and eventually permanent marker turned into permanent ink. It is there as a reminder that God is capable of anything and everything. All I have to do is believe.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)

God Always Wins

It seems as though there is a reoccurring theme in my life. The one where I try to take control of my life, fail miserably, and God is there to pick up the pieces every time.

Who am I that I could possibly think that I can take care of myself? Who am I that I elevate myself to such a level that I try to play god over my life?

Who am I that I can keep screwing up in the same way and yet continually be forgiven by God?

I am nothing. Christ is everything.

God always wins.

Lately I have been waking up in the middle of the night due to a dream, a text, a noise, or anything else. I get back into my falling asleep position, lay there for an hour, and then realized that God isnt going to let me sleep until I listen to him. So I listen, journal, fall back asleep, and then wake up and ignore that it ever happened. I have the feeling that he will keep doing this until i get the point.

When am I going to get it? Apart from Christ my life is nothing. So why do I keep trying to live by myself? It never works. You would think I would have learned this by now but yet I continue to try to take charge of my life.

Until the day that I stand before God I will continue to screw up. Until that day I will spend my life in repentance and confession.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

God Always Wins.

My Playlist

I have a few playlists on my iPhone that are constant that I never get rid of but there are a few that change. One is titled "Right Now" It has music that changes as I transition through different seasons of my life. So I thought I would share with yall what is currently on my "Right Now" Some of the songs were a mix CD that came from a great friend and others were chosen from my own collection. Enjoy.
(arranged by Artist)

Latika's Theme- A.R. Rahman
I Need You to Love Me- BarlowGirl
Porcelain Heart- BarlowGirl
Psalm 73 (My God's Enough)- BarlowGirl
The Way We Mend- Bebo Norman
The Thief- Brooke Fraser
Hymn- Brooke Fraser
Lead Me to the Cross- Chris and Conrad
Desert Song- Hillsong
Stronger-Hillsong
You Are Here (The Same Power)- Hillsong
Ruin Me- Jeff Johnson
I'm Movin' On - Jeff Johnson
The Cure for Pain- Jon Foreman
Your Love is Strong- Jon Foreman
Healer- Kari Jobe
Life your Eyes- Leeland
Carried to the Table- Leeland
Everything- Lifehouse
You Never Let Go- Matt Redman
Out of My Hands- Matthew West
We Are Broken- Paramore
Breathe- Paramore
Divine Romance- Phil Wickham
Crumble to Pieces- Phil Wickham
I Will Wait for You There- Phil Wickham
You Cannot Lose My Love- Sara Groves
Jesus, You're Beautiful- Sara Groves
Bika Mono Ve/It is Well With My Soul- Selah
Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus- Selah
Bad Days Better- Shane & Shane
Wounded- Shane & Shane
The Velocity of Love- Suzanne Ciani

I also have a playlist that is currently on repeat that I have listened to all morning.

Stronger- Hillsong
Desert Song- Hillsong
You Are Here (The Same Power)- Hillsong
Lead Me to the Cross- Chris and Conrad
You Never Let Go- Matt Redman

God,
Thank you so much for giving us the gift of music that inspires and motivates. But most of all thank you for music as a way of worshiping you. You deserve so much more than anything we can give. Singing your praises fills my heart with Joy. Words that speak of your essence, your love, your strength, and your own words help me to press on when everything is against me. You never cease to amaze me.

Confession #2

It takes me weeks, sometimes months to finish a book that I'm reading for motivational/self help purposes.


Im reading this one right now:

Perspective

Its funny how certain times in your life make you look back to what once was, to memories of the past. I find myself in one of those times. It amazing to me that memories that once would have brought pain and sadness now bring a smile to my face. Not a bitter smile or a smug smile but a real smile. These memories now bring me happiness and hope. There is not a chance that anyone could have ever told me that one day these memories would bring me joy because of the sorrow that they once produced. But that day has come when I can look back and genuinely smile. There are songs that I would avoid at all costs because they brought pain, now I chose to listen to them so that I can remember and smile.

Perspective is a strange thing. It's a never ending circle.

In His Arms

Every night I go to bed, having no idea what the next day will hold. I have no idea if it will be a good day, a bad day, or if I will have no motivation to get out of bed and spend the whole day watching chick flicks. I don't know who i will talk to and who i wont. I dont know where I will go or what I will do. But every night I cling to my hope. Every night i fall asleep talking to my true love, my savior. He doesn't make everything better, he doesn't fix my problems, nor does he give me answers to all my questions. But he gives me what I need, security, love, comfort, and hope.

I am a very visual person. I like to have a picture or see things done. Tell me to turn by the gas station, not on elm street. So every day when I go looking for comfort and hope I picture my self in my fathers arms. As if I was his baby girl. I am clinging to him like a child clings to their daddy when they are hurt or sad. And I know that He will never let go. My hope and my comfort are found in one place, in His arms.

It Says it All

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepard; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and i shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.